Bonnie Arnwine: Mother's Day Interview Series

Well, the flu has hit our household just in time for Mother's Day! Fortunately the baby is now over it, but it was a bad enough bout to warrant 2 visits to Children's Emergency for dehydration. It's making its way through the rest of the family, and I'm hoping it's lost some of its potency. We have never been as sick - in frequency or in severity - as we have been this year. The irony is that this was the ONE year that we all received flu vaccines, after many sleepless nights of weighing the pros and cons, googling risks and benefits and even trying to analyze the ingredients in the vaccine (adjuvant anyone?) we finally decided to get the vaccine because our province had a serious outbreak of H1N1 and we had an infant in the family.

Anyhow, what I'm really here to tell you is that today is the first installment of my Mother's Day Interview Series! This series will run one interview each week in May, and aims to share with you some really insightful perspectives - raw, honest, meaningful perspectives - from other moms who are parenting a high-needs child. Each of these moms also writes their own blog, and I hope you will visit them to share more of their experiences. Our first installment in the series welcomes Bonnie Arnwine.
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Bonnie, you have two great kids, including a teenaged son on the Autism spectrum. You are also the founder of National Autism Resources (http://www.nationalautismresources.com/) and author of the blog http://www.cafebonnie.blogspot.com/. With all that you do for families on the spectrum, what do you do that's just for yourself? How do you make sure you are healthy and strong enough, physically or emotionally, to be the kind of mom your kids need?

I learned the hard way that I have to take care of myself. Several years ago I became clinically depressed. My life revolved completely around autism. On the outside I looked like I had it all together, but inside I was falling apart. Through a process called CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) I worked with a therapist who helped bring balance back to my life. I love to read and I make a point of reading books that aren’t autism related. (I just finished a series by James Rollins.) I also take time each week to call or meet with friends. It’s easy to isolate myself and get wrapped up in autism, but that’s not healthy. There is always something more I could do to help my son, the need is always there. I have to fight back guilt and the “shoulds” that pop into my mind. I have to be realistic; if I’m not healthy I end up hurting myself and those I love.

Being a mother is such an overwhelming experience at the best of times, and with a high-needs child that experience is amplified tenfold. What are some of your greatest challenges as the mother of a child who is significantly different than their peers?

Let me begin by saying I love my son, I love who he is becoming, I would never trade him for anything. We go through periods where things are going really well with him then something happens that clearly illustrates the challenges he is facing. Being a teenager is hard, and watching him navigate bullying, anxiety, and misunderstandings is painful. He has to learn and grow and the only way he can learn and grow is through experience. I’m committed to walking beside him along the way, but sometimes it’s hard to watch.

Reaching out or finding new ways to approach challenges is imperative when parenting a high-needs child. What has been your greatest resource so far, the one you couldn't have done without?

My faith is my greatest resource. I became attracted to the teachings of Jesus and try to follow him. I believe God is not far away but close, he wants to be a part of my life. I believe he is interested in how I feel; he helps me, encourages me and gives me peace. I know some people feel this is crazy. All I can say is I would rather be crazy with Jesus than try and figure this life out without him.

What has been the most surprising thing so far in your journey?

How mainstream autism has become. At the time my son was diagnosed I didn’t know anybody else with an autistic child and no one had heard of the condition. I read every book on the subject and for a few years I could keep up. Now there is another child three houses down from us who is autistic and new books come out every week. There is something in our environment, an environmental trigger, and we need to find out what it is.

I have found that my son’s gifts and struggles have diverted us so dramatically onto a new path, that it is almost inevitable that some of our relationships – including with each other – are impacted along the way. How has parenting a high-needs child affected your relationships?

At first I lost a lot of friendships. My friends were signing up for soccer games, buying houses, and advancing their careers. Meanwhile, my husband and I were fighting for services, running an ABA program, going into debt, and just trying to manage day to day. We didn’t have the energy to keep up a lot of relationships, I didn’t reach out ask for help so they went away. Now I’m up front with my friends I’ll tell them I’m in hermit mode and I need help. I’m blessed with friends that have chosen to come along side me.

Dealing with our son’s disability was also hard on our marriage. At first we were both angry, blaming each other, this isn’t in my family, why aren’t you doing more… Then we came to a place where we realized to survive this we have to be a team. My husband knows very little about autism and treatments because we made a strategic decision for me to stay home, research and run the “Geoffrey program,” while he worked lots and lots of over time to keep things going. This has brought us closer together. I don’t want to do life without him.

What is your greatest hope for your children?

Self determination: I hope that both of my kids will live productive independent lives that are fulfilling. For my son that now means educating the world about him. He has some incredible strengths that can be used in a productive manner. He needs some accommodation and understanding. What he doesn’t need is pity.

Bonnie, I greatly appreciate you taking the time for this interview and for sharing such honest and personal responses. I know many families will continue to benefit from the important work you are doing with National Autism Resources, as well as the unique perspective you bring to your blog. Thank you!